Mothers with Serious Mental Illness: Their Experience of “Hitting Bottom”
Table 1
A Case Study.
Story element
Excerpt
Abstract
With me, hitting bottom was/(sigh) not necessarily wanted to commit suicide/but thinking about (child’s name)/cause I was really thinking about (child’s name). If I commit suicide what will happen to her? What will happen to me? I did not/I did not want to go past the point of no return. I wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing and whether I was willing to face the consequences whatever that means.
Orientation
Being a mother, I know that uhmm/I mean/I wouldn’t be the person I am today/uhmm/the good parts of me I mean if I did not have (my child). I feel that being her mom, uhmm makes me a better person in a lot of ways although I have lots of way to go.
Complicating action
Ever since (child’s name) been little/and I’ve been uhmm struggling with illness uhmm it’s definitely gradual uhmm it starts out with me missing one (with emphasis) dosage of medication here or these/so uhmm if I miss a dosage here or there I start to be a little more confrontational/a little bit more defensive/a little more paranoid/what are they saying about me. It is a spiral, it’s kind of like a snowball rolling down a hill/it starts small small small/It gets bigger bigger bigger and then finally it’s a huge (with emphasis). Nothing can stop the illness now. It is made up of worries responsibilities uhmm—uhmm/emotional torture.
I made it known that if I got real sick that (child’s name) would go to stay with my friend and her husband. I was thinking that would be best for her because of the fact of her having to live with a mom who was so sick.
I’ve always begged my friend/I’ve always said “you know (friend’s name) really I’m a bad mom (with emphasis). I cannot handle this. (My child) is a great kid. (My child) needs better than me”.
Resolution
My friend always said to me “You are fine. You are fine. You can get through this.” She does not take (child’s name).
Evaluation
I realized/and think that (my friend) knows what she is doing when she does not take (my child)/like I said being with my child makes me able to be a better person holding back from doing something stupid.
Coda
I just came out of that hole that I was in. I understand it much better now. I can actually talk myself through a little bit about my past lives. I’m not all illness you know. There are parts of me that are not illness.
